I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
