Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
