I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
