Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
