How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
