when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
