and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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