I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
