allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
