She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
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His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
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So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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