Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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