I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I take back everything I said about communal showers
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
