Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
