then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
love makes seman taste better
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
