after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
