Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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