Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
