Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
