He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
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Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
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Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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