2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
