what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
