I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
