I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
