i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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