Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
