I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
