Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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