you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
