Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
