Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
