just come out here and I will go home with you...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
