He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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