Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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