Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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