the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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