i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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