How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
did you just send me my own nude
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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