Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
