I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
