it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm determined to sit on that face.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
