i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
