Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
