Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
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It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize