I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
