Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
not ubering you a puppy
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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