There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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