a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
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Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
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I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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