i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
