I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
