she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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