I'm so fucking centered right now
dude i'm inner monologue high
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
