i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
is wine microwaveable?
why do cheetos always look like penises
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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