My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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