i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I am available for nakedness
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
