I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
